Need you like water in my lungs.

I hate how I can't stop thinking about him. I've shed too many tears over him. I've spent too much time and effort on him. I've even spent too much time trying to forget him. And in the end, it doesn't even matter. He always pops up at the worst possible moments. Not even just when I've drank too much. But also when I'm perfectly content with someone else and everything could be perfect. Why can't I get rid of him? It doesn't make sense to me that he can forget so easily, but not me. No, he's still a part of me, he's still inside of me, he's still all around me. He's in the back of my mind every second of every day. He's in my heart, constantly threatening to rip it apart yet again. And it's likely that he has no idea. He's hundreds of miles away, which should make it easier. He's living his life, never thinking of that silly girl in Idaho who fucked it all up. Because that's what I seem to do when something could be good. But the thing is, I'm still not entirely positive if he was for real. My actions didn't follow my words and how do I know that his did? It's a completely sane thought that he was probably doing the same thing; the only difference being that there was no way for me to find out. Every word he said could have been fake, while mine were one hundred percent real. But what if his were real as well? I don't know which is the scarier thought : if his words were fake or if they were real. If they were fake, then what I did doesn't technically matter, because it didn't hurt him. But if they were real, then I crushed him. I crushed myself.

I hate how the person that I considered my best friend for nearly ten months is now the person that I consider nothing to me. I rarely think of him and when I do, I get all pissed off and unhappy. I can't understand the way he acted/acts. I can understand that I hurt him and I can understand that he would hate me for that. But I can't understand doing the things he did. It's because I'm not a vengeful person and what he did was vengeful, whether he meant it to be that way or not. Just because I hurt him, he had to go and fuck with things that weren't any of his business. I guess I'm still bitter about it. Obviously. And he never believed me when I told him the truth. I always believed every word the told me, no matter how outrageous it sounded. Even when he lied to me, I forgave him. And yet, he still never trusted me like I did him. I guess best friends are overrated.

I hate how the one person who forgave me is the one person I will probably end up hurting. The person that should hate me to the core because of what I did, doesn't. He "enjoys my company." He "likes hanging out" with me. Why? He's one of the best people I've ever met, that's why. He doesn't hold a grudge, which I can't understand. He forgives and forgets, which is what I've always tried to do but never entirely succeeded. He's honest about pretty much everything, which I've always found hard. Our situation is so . . . fucked up. I don't think that's the right way to say it. Our situation is so . . . complicated. I guess that's better. It's complicated because I think we feel different things. And that always leads to someone's heart getting broken. It always leads to misunderstandings. It leads to never talking again.

I hate how I can't make up my mind what I want. Do I want to keep up with this whole "open" thing, or do I want to actually date him? I really don't know. I like him. I like him more than I thought I would. I like him more than I probably should. What's killing me is that he likes me so much. So he says, anyways. And I believe him. I'm starting to trust him, which is good and bad at the same time. If I let myself trust him, there's that possibility of getting hurt. I'm not afraid of commitment and I'm not afraid of falling in love. However, I am terrified of getting hurt again. And by trusting him, I'm putting myself out there to get hurt. I'm letting myself be put into his hands and giving him permission to either hold me lightly and make me feel good and safe or to crush me. But I guess that's what it's all about. That's life. That's what we have to do to live and to move on and to eventually be happy.