Yucky lemons

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." Ok kids, I think it's more like, "when life gives you lemons, get a bottle of tequila and drink up." Something like that anyways.
I think I'm going to start counting my lemons. Sometimes I feel like I get a lot. And at other times, I feel like I hardly get any. And when I do get them, I have the worst luck because there are no bottles of tequila to be found. And then if I try to throw the lemons away, they stink and rot and mold and it's just bad karma. You have to do something with those damn lemons.
I was in an exceptionally frosty mood today. Thank you, dear roommate. House hunting soon will be a big relief.
I don't usually get scared when I get close to someone. I'm usually the one who says, "chill out." But apparently, I am the one needing to chill in this situation. A change of heart, to say the least.
To pursue, or to be pursued? That is the question of the week.

Don't run away

It's funny how when you think everything is going wrong, it's really going right. It's twisted. You can be crying and depressed one day, and the next, everything seems perfect. Everything that can go right, does. And nothing is wrong, no one is sad. It's very unstable. But it's life.
So many things run through my head when I'm alone. As soon as I log onto the computer and try to type it, it's gone. It disappears. What was I thinking just ten short minutes ago? How did I put that certain thought into words that made a little bit of sense?
Sometimes I feel like I'm running away. But I'm never sure what I'm running from. Then again, I don't know what I'm running towards either. Would moving out of Idaho be considered running away or running towards something? Running away from the life that I have now. Running towards a brand new future. I think we are always running. We are always running away from the past. And we are always running towards the future. But sometimes, while running towards the future, we let the past trip us up. And suddenly, we're lying on the ground, unable to get up and continue forward. The past can strangle us, if we let it. It can strangle our future. So don't let it. Run faster and harder away from the past. Yes, it's true that the past made us who we are. But that doesn't mean we have to let it stop us from a better future. Just stop making excuses about how someone hurt you in the past. Stop making excuses about how someone screwed you over. You can do anything you want. You can have whatever future you choose. If you choose the past of least resistance, you let the past capture you and you are forever stuck. But if you choose to run harder and faster, jump any obstacles that appear, you will have a bright future. You will have anything you want. But it also takes patience. It's true that patience is a virtue. It's also true that it's not something that comes naturally. You have to work at it. You have to calm down and take a deep breath. Just relax and look outside of the box and see the world around you. See that it's beautiful in every single way. See that everyone around you is trying to do the same thing, trying to run towards a better future. Maybe you will collide. Maybe you will fall. Maybe someone will help you up. Maybe you will resist and they will give up. Maybe someone else will come along who won't give up. Have patience. Be strong. Stop living in the past. Stop making excuses. The world is a playground and life is pushing my swing.

So many questions

Maybe I am happy with my life. Maybe I am unhappy with it. Which is it? Can it be both? Maybe I am happy with some parts of my life and unhappy with other parts. I'm pretty sure that's possible. Ok so if that is the conclusion I come to, then what parts am I happy with? What parts am I unhappy with?
Did I break down the other night because of my life or because I put myself in danger? Because when you are not in danger anymore, and you realize how bad it could have been, you freak out. I think that was part of it. But if that was only part of it, what was the other part? My life? So many questions and very few answers.

Welcome to the breakdown

The more I think about it, the more I realize what the truth in myself is. I did put myself in danger last night. I thank God I am ok. So why did I put myself in danger? Why did I leave? At first I thought it was just because I didn't want to sleep with someone snoring in my ear. Because I thought I was ok to drive. Because I hate sleeping at other people's houses. Maybe those were all small factors. But I realize now that it's because of the breakdown. I don't breakdown in front of other. When other people are around, I will hold it in and wait until later when I can be alone. I think I've been holding it in for a long time now because deep down, last night I knew that I had to get out of there because I needed to break down. And I did. And I feel a little bit better. But at the same time, I can't quite figure out what the hell is wrong. When I figure it out, I'll type again.

A little early

I would have done some midnight blogging, however I was nice and cozy warm in my bed and just a little too tired to actually get up and use energy to type. So here were my thoughts around midnight of last night.
I know it's not quite the new year yet, but I still made a rough draft of my New Year's Resolution(s).
1 - Move out of this house. Either get my own place again, if I can afford it, or get some different roommates. I love having roommates. At least ones that I get along with. And while I get along with one of my current roommates, it would be much easier if I got along with both. So finding a house with roommates that I get along with or else getting my own place by March is the first resolution.
2 - By summer of next year, I want to have a plan. A plan of where I'm going. I want to have decided whether I'm going back to BSU or if I'm moving out of state. If I decide to go to BSU again, I need to figure out my major. For the last few months, I thought I wanted to do the whole nursing thing. But now I'm not so sure. What if I want to do the whole art thing. I mean, my high school art teacher did tell me that I could go to school for art and do very well in that field. Or what if I want to do something out of the country. Like the Peace Corp., only getting paid for it. And if I decide to move out of state, I want to have figured out where I'm moving to and what I'm going to do there. Will it be Texas or California? And what city? So the resolution is by next summer, I will have decided whether to go back to BSU or move out of the country.
Those are my two rough draft New Year's Resolutions. Kind of sketchy, I know. But hey, it's a start.

Dear Roommate

Ok I need to complain and bitch for a moment.
I have had roommates for two out of three years that I've lived here, since I've moved out on my own. The first year I lived with two girls, then three girls, then two boys. Honestly, the two boys were cleaner than when it was all girls. However, I loved all of them as roommates and also as friends. We had amazing communication and worked out all of our differences. Then I lived in a one bedroom apartment. That year was pretty nice. Well, there was six or seven months of that year where I had a "roommate" aka live-in-boyfriend. Those weren't too bad either.
Anyways, my point is that this third year is not going so well with the roommate. I live with one male and one female. The girl and I get along great. Amazing. Fantastic. We communicate very well. We actually hang out. The male, however, is a completely different story.
A big pet peeve is dirty dishes in the sink. Maybe leave them there for a day or two, but not two weeks. My female roommate and I refuse to clean up his dishes. We have asked him several times to just rinse them out and put them in the dishwasher. Is that so fucking difficult? After two weeks?!
He has a dog. She is very cute but not well trained. She also doesn't get much attention from her owner. He does not have a bed for her. Cardboard is what she sleeps on. And my couch outside. She rarely gets bathed. He never lets her out of her cage except to let her outside for maybe ten minutes once or twice a day. She is out of her cage more when I am home or when my female roommate is home. She was out of food for almost three days once and her owner was feeding her cereal and crackers. She peed in her cage once and it wasn't cleaned up for a week. I feel so bad for her. But what can I do? I've asked him about it before and he basically blows me off, saying he will take care of it. Ugh.
Next. I like to have people over to my place to hang out. I don't do it often on the weekdays because I know my roommate works early on the weekdays. However, for the past few weeks, we have gathered at my place on Saturday night to drink and play some games. I let him know a day or two in advance. The first two or three times I told him I was having people over, he told me that he was having a friend sleep on the couch. So the first two times I said ok, we will take it somewhere else. Well when I came home the day after, quite early in the morning actually, there was no one sleeping on the couch. There were pillows on the couch with a blanket over them. Weird? Then when I asked him about it, he said they changed their plans. Right. So the third time he told me he was having someone sleep on the couch, I said fuck it, they can join us. That night, no one stayed on the couch, he didn't even come home. I didn't bother asking about it. Now he has been complaining to me about people being over that he doesn't know. When I tried to tell him that I would never bring anyone over that I don't trust, I got no response. I mean come one, why would I bring some random creepos over to his house, which is also my house? Also, he has people over a lot that I don't know, but you don't see me bitching about it because that's how it is with roommates. Unless you have the same group of friends, you will have people over at your house that you don't know. I've invited him to hang out with us so that he can get to know them so maybe he will feel more comfortable, but he always refuses.
Now the last straw is today. I'm sitting on the couch, chilling before I have to go to work. It's noonish. He is at work. One of the girls he has been seeing walks in the front door with food. She goes to the kitchen, then his bedroom. After a while she comes out and eats. Then she goes back to his room. He isn't even here! Are you fucking kidding me!? I know he would have a cow if one of my friends did that while I wasn't home. This is ridiculous.
Dear roommate, do not bitch at me for having people over that you don't know. At least I'm home when they are here.