Need you like water in my lungs.

I hate how I can't stop thinking about him. I've shed too many tears over him. I've spent too much time and effort on him. I've even spent too much time trying to forget him. And in the end, it doesn't even matter. He always pops up at the worst possible moments. Not even just when I've drank too much. But also when I'm perfectly content with someone else and everything could be perfect. Why can't I get rid of him? It doesn't make sense to me that he can forget so easily, but not me. No, he's still a part of me, he's still inside of me, he's still all around me. He's in the back of my mind every second of every day. He's in my heart, constantly threatening to rip it apart yet again. And it's likely that he has no idea. He's hundreds of miles away, which should make it easier. He's living his life, never thinking of that silly girl in Idaho who fucked it all up. Because that's what I seem to do when something could be good. But the thing is, I'm still not entirely positive if he was for real. My actions didn't follow my words and how do I know that his did? It's a completely sane thought that he was probably doing the same thing; the only difference being that there was no way for me to find out. Every word he said could have been fake, while mine were one hundred percent real. But what if his were real as well? I don't know which is the scarier thought : if his words were fake or if they were real. If they were fake, then what I did doesn't technically matter, because it didn't hurt him. But if they were real, then I crushed him. I crushed myself.

I hate how the person that I considered my best friend for nearly ten months is now the person that I consider nothing to me. I rarely think of him and when I do, I get all pissed off and unhappy. I can't understand the way he acted/acts. I can understand that I hurt him and I can understand that he would hate me for that. But I can't understand doing the things he did. It's because I'm not a vengeful person and what he did was vengeful, whether he meant it to be that way or not. Just because I hurt him, he had to go and fuck with things that weren't any of his business. I guess I'm still bitter about it. Obviously. And he never believed me when I told him the truth. I always believed every word the told me, no matter how outrageous it sounded. Even when he lied to me, I forgave him. And yet, he still never trusted me like I did him. I guess best friends are overrated.

I hate how the one person who forgave me is the one person I will probably end up hurting. The person that should hate me to the core because of what I did, doesn't. He "enjoys my company." He "likes hanging out" with me. Why? He's one of the best people I've ever met, that's why. He doesn't hold a grudge, which I can't understand. He forgives and forgets, which is what I've always tried to do but never entirely succeeded. He's honest about pretty much everything, which I've always found hard. Our situation is so . . . fucked up. I don't think that's the right way to say it. Our situation is so . . . complicated. I guess that's better. It's complicated because I think we feel different things. And that always leads to someone's heart getting broken. It always leads to misunderstandings. It leads to never talking again.

I hate how I can't make up my mind what I want. Do I want to keep up with this whole "open" thing, or do I want to actually date him? I really don't know. I like him. I like him more than I thought I would. I like him more than I probably should. What's killing me is that he likes me so much. So he says, anyways. And I believe him. I'm starting to trust him, which is good and bad at the same time. If I let myself trust him, there's that possibility of getting hurt. I'm not afraid of commitment and I'm not afraid of falling in love. However, I am terrified of getting hurt again. And by trusting him, I'm putting myself out there to get hurt. I'm letting myself be put into his hands and giving him permission to either hold me lightly and make me feel good and safe or to crush me. But I guess that's what it's all about. That's life. That's what we have to do to live and to move on and to eventually be happy.

Call me a safe bet.

""Tears mean you cared about something. Tears mean you felt something. Even tears of loss mean that you know what it is to win.""
""You don't weep unless you've been happy first; tears always mean something enviable.""

I hate falling for someone when I don't want to. I don't want anything serious but that's what it's turning into. Ugh. I want to but then again, I don't. It's not even that I'm scared. I just want to have fun. And I know that I will have fun no matter what, no matter which direction I go. But still.

Lord knows I think of you.

Maybe we act on confused behavior
Maybe waves crash like semi trailer
Maybe I'll spend my off time without you
It seems like we need our own space

And all the time I wasted away
I don't feel good unless you stay
And all the times I chased you away
Simply to catch back up with

Your solitude is welcome, welcome
Your attitude is welcome, welcome

All you see is red lights behind me
Maybe this isn't what you wanted, baby
I don't blame you falling backwards
No one's ever quite confused you this way

And all this time we wasted away
We don't feel good unless we're gray
And all the times I chased you away
I simply don't feel good

Your solitude is welcome, welcome
Your attitude is welcome, welcome

All this time we heard alarms
Come to find we fell apart
This whole thing has crashed down
All this time we heard alarms

Your solitude is welcome, welcome
Your attitude is welcome, welcome

You are welcome

--"Attitude" --Alien Ant Farm

It's so weird that some people never leave your mind. No matter how long it's been or how many things have happened. No matter how many other people have entered your life. No matter how much you both change. No matter what other feelings you might have. That one person is always in the back of your mind, creeping up at the worst possible moments, like when you're intoxicated.

And it's so weird that some people are so afraid that they can't tell you how they feel, so you have no idea because you're not a fucking mind reader. And then when shit goes down, it feels like it's too late, but maybe it's not. Should we talk about it? Or will it be too awkward?

I know that he hates "sharing" me, whatever that means. And I know that if we switched positions, and he was the one being "shared," I would fucking hate it. I would be so completely, utterly jealous. Kind of like torture, I guess.

I'm glad that I have a few friends that I can't seem to drive away. No matter what I do or how much I fuck up, they are always there for me. I can always depend on them. I wish there were more friends like that.

Ugh.

There are a few people in my life that I want to be able to depend on. But of course, just my luck, I can't. They tell me they are going to do something, then they do the complete opposite, often without even telling me. I gotta say, I'm not a big fan of it.

Reign Over Me

Probably one of the best movies I've seen in a long time. Yeah, American Gangster was very good. But Reign Over Me is a totally different kind of movie, so a totally different kind of good. It was like, total raw human emotion. Watching it, I cried in three different parts. It was like I was there, feeling what the characters where feeling. Adam Sandler has always done comedies and he's awesome at it. But his character, Charlie, is totally heart broken and he plays it so well. Charlie can't even function as an adult because of what happened to his family. And it's so incredibly sad. But he doesn't hide it like most people. Most people just pretend to move on and act normal. But not Charlie. He can't move on and he doesn't try so of course, everyone tries to get him help. But he doesn't really need help. He needs to do it on his own. And that's how people are a lot of the time. When something happens and you can't move one, you can't breath, you can't go on with your day, people feel this need to help you. They feel like if you talk to someone, usually a shrink, then you'll get better. But what if that makes it worse? Because really, you just need to move on at your own pace and do it on your own. When you do it on your own, it will make you feel better about yourself. You won't feel dependent on anyone. At least that's how it has always been for me.

I hate relying on people to make me feel good. I mean, obviously it's nice when people make you feel good and better about yourself. But really, I want to know that I can make myself happy. That I don't need someone to else to give me that warm feeling inside. I may want it, but I don't need it. I'm independent. I always have been. And some people don't like it. Some people see it as me being a bitch or distant or whatever. But there's those people who understand it because they are or were at one point also independent. And those are the people that I will allow to make me feel good, happy. Because then it will be actual happiness, nothing fake or made up. I understand that I can't always rely on myself. And I accept that. But that doesn't mean that I will allow myself to constantly rely on others. That's just no way to live.

Random.

My neighbor rocks. He's so original and real. I don't usually open up easily to people, but I have to him. He's really easy to talk to, which I love. And he doesn't judge me for the things I've done or the things I do. Plus, he's not shy at all. One of the things we talked about tonight was the male body. And no, he's not gay at all. He's actually engaged. Anyways, he told me how he was looking at himself in the mirror today after he got out of the shower and he decided that the male body is funny. Then he proceeded to ask me if I thought a dick is attractive, which only made me laugh because I've never been asked that question before. I've never even thought about that before! It was just ridiculously funny. It kind of made my day. I'm going to be sad when he moves =[

God I hate being confused. I've never been good at choosing one thing over another, especially if there's the possibility of someone getting hurt. I hate hurting people and I hate that I have the ability to hurt people. And some people may not think that my situation is so bad because hey, I do have choices. But are choices always so great? Yeah, I think not.

May angels lead you in.

I have decided that it really is true that the people who deserve to live, die early. My high school English teacher for three years just passed away. She's been struggling with breast cancer for almost three years. They didn't catch it very early and she had a lot of trouble with it. She's also the one who took us to Europe right after graduation. She's also the one who has influenced me the most in my reading. I've always loved to read, but she made me dig deeper than just the words. She made me try to understand the real meanings of books and why they were written. She made me think about things instead of just accepting them. She was one of the most amazing people I've ever met. I doubt that I will ever meet anyone like her. She didn't deserve to die. She deserved to live and teach hundreds more students and influence them as well. She deserved not to suffer at all. I guess the only way to look at it now is that she isn't suffering anymore. She's in a better place where no one suffers. And I truly believe that.

I only wanna love . . . you?

Maybe I'll just always love him. Since I've realized that, I've been okay and I'm actually moving on, for real this time.

Cut
I'm not a stranger; no I am yours
With crippled anger
A tears that still drip sore

A fragile flame aged is misery
And when our hearts meet
I know you see

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside
Just to breath in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists; I find it when
I am cut

I may seen crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars
Wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look
Me in the eye
I feel alone here
And cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic
That makes me feel anything
Kills inside

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside
Just to breath in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists; I find it when
I am cut

Pain
I am not alone
I am not alone

I'm not a stranger; no I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

But I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside
Just to breath in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists; I found it when
I was cut
--Plumb--

Vacation.Home

So I'm on vacation. Kind of. I'm back in my hometown for a few days. It's been weird. Driving into it was so weird! I haven't been here for over two months, but it seems like so much longer. So many things have happened and I've changed so much, but everything here is the same. It's like coming down from outer space. Everything up there is all new and different, but here, it's so . . . the same as it used to be. It was so weird to sleep in my old bed again. It's weird to be in this house, with my parents and my dog and my cat. It's nice. I need it. It's like I'm taking a break from my "other life." That's sounds kind of retarded. Because I don't have two lives. I kind of have two homes though. Before I left, I told my roommates that I was going home for a few days. And I had to explain that I was going back to my hometown, since in reality, that apartment is my home now.

I hung out with some old friends from high school. It was amazing. People that I haven't seen in so long, some since graduation back in May! Some of them have changed. Changed so much, that they are completely different people. And they are the ones that seem like they changed because it's "cool" to change when you go to college. A few others have changed a little, but they're still them. They're still my best friends who I can tell anything to.

These few days away from everything that I'm used to is just what I need.