When they're lost.

I sent him an email. I told him how truly sorry I am. And always will be. How I fucked up and wish I hadn't. How I hope that someday he can forgive me and not hate me anymore. I'm still so in love with how he made me feel and the words he said to me every day. Even after all these months, I still picture his smile and remember how he singled me out. I remember him telling me that I intimidated him and how he's shy around girls. I remember our first and last kiss. I remember the cat that I told him he had to take home. I haven't seen the cat since. I remember how he wanted me to move and the next minute, he didn't because it would be just for him and no other reason. Oh the things you remember when they're lost.

Since I'm all about lyrics :

So will you scatter my ashes where they won't be found?
I kept my word when I swore that I would let you down
And now that I'm gone
Try to forget me and just move on
So will you scatter my ashes where they won't be found?
I kept my word and you hate me for it now
You know all along
Try to forget me and just move on
---Calling All Cars [senses fail]

And I didn't think about
All the ways I hurt you and myself
And I wouldn't say a thing to you
I keep it to myself in my mind
And I can't stand without you
And I won't find the answers
When you're gone
But it's over to you
I can't find the answers when you're gone
And it's over to you
But you can't find the answer where you are
And you know I need you now
And this ain't easy to admit
But no one needs to know
What goes on behind
The door in my room
I'm kicking through the walls in my mind
And I can't stand without you
And I won't find the answers
When you're gone
But it's over to you
I can't find the answers when you're gone
And it's over to you
You can't find the answers where you are
I won't tear you down
I won't tear you down
To get into the world you wanted
I'm kicking through the walls
But no one can believe
In things that never change
But it's over to you
I can't find the answers when you're gone
And it's over to you
You can't find the answers where you are
And it's over to you
I can't find the answers when you're gone
And I can't find the answers when you're gone
I can't find the answers when you're gone
---It's Over [goo goo dolls]

And I wish this love away
Although it kills to say
I wish this love away from me
You told me I was everything you wanted
Controlled me every second of every day
You reached into my heart
And pulled out something I had never seen before
But now
Now I wish this love away
Although it kills to say
I wish this love away from me
Am I showing how weak I am without
Is it the knowing you'll be fine
And I'll be blind
---Wish This Love Away [gabriel mann]

Change

Last semester I hated my classes, so I stopped attending and obviously, I failed them. So now I am on probation until I get my GPA up to par. Originally, I had decided to not go back at all. But last night when I realized that I have loan and scholarship money available for this semester, I made a quick decision to go back, at least part-time. And that's what I'm doing. I'm taking an introduction to sociology class and an introduction to theater class. Two things that I'm very interested in. So hopefully this will kind of turn things around.

It's very interesting how I work. The last time I fell in love [back in October] and it ended, I decided to make a change in my life by piercing my lip. That may not seem like much of a change to some people, but it was for me. It was something new and different. And I'm glad I did it. Now, this time around, I'm changing my life by going back to school when originally I hadn't planned on it for another year or so. I'm just hoping that this one will be as good for me as the last one.

Ok

I guess I should be happy that it's done. There was a lot of drama with us. When we did get along, it was good though. I guess this way I don't need to guess anymore. Now I can go out and live my life and never wonder about him. I don't know what to say or do. I don't understand it. A complete turn around from last week. It's like he just changed his mind and didn't have to think about it. And I can't even be his friend. I'll always want more. How weird. I told him that it would be him who would break my heart when he swore it wouldn't be. I guess you just never know.

Is this the way a toy feels when it's batteries run dry?

I figured I was falling in love with him. Everything that I was feeling was right. And when I realized how close I was to losing him, it was basically a wake up call. I suddenly realized how much I was taking him for granted and that I didn't want to anymore because I didn't want to lose him. I didn't want him to just walk away and not look back. That thought scared me, I guess. It must have because I changed. In my head, our relationship with each other changed. I was going to commit to him and be with him and just him and I would tell him that so he wouldn't have to wonder. And then something tragic happened. And since then, nothing has been the same. He's not the same, obviously. When something like this happens, you have to change because a part of your life is gone. It happened to me once, so I understand. I understand that change is necessary in this situation. But why would the way he sees me change? Word on the street is, we're just friends. What the fuck?! And apparently it must be somewhat true because I haven't seen him since this event happened. And he has been to the bars and with other people. But not with me. Why? I don't know. I wish I did. I wish I could read his mind. I wish he would talk to me. I don't like being in the dark. And if he has changed his mind for some reason, ok then. There's not much I can do about that. I will still tell him how I feel about him. And if he still doesn't want to move on with me, then I'll move on. Because that's what I'll have to do. But I just don't want him to totally cut me off without any warning. Because that hurts worse.

Pointless.

You know how you hate the pushy salesman who comes and basically forces you to buy his product? They're annoying and I'm glad to say I'm not one of 'em. Yeah, I may be selling something to people in their homes, but I sure as hell am not gonna pressure them to buy and also, I don't go door-to-door[thank God!]. I make appointments with people and they say, "Sure, you can come over." Luckily, I get paid to just show the stuff to people, so I don't have to be pushy and be like, "Well if you don't buy, I'm gonna be hella poor!" I wouldn't have done this job if it was like that. But I do still need to find another job because honestly, I want to make even more money than I will at this job. Unless people start buying everything every time, which is obviously not going to happen. But apparently we're in a recession, so people are cutting back on their employment, which does make it a little more difficult to find a job. Great. I'm gonna be homeless. Ok, just kidding. But honestly, I wish I didn't need to worry about money so much. I wish this country didn't need to worry about money so much.

It's a goddamn blizzard outside. I'm at my parents' house again and the wind is blowing like crazy. I'm just waiting for the power to go out. It better not stay like this, otherwise I'm going to be stuck down here and I really, really, really wanna get back home. I miss all my people up there! There's so much more to do. Anyways, I'm gonna stop bitching. This is possibly my most pointless blog post ever. Nice.

Konfusion with a "k."

Ugh I hate posting two posts in one day but I have a lot on my mind and if I don't put it all somewhere, it will crowd my mind and I'll just think about it way too much.

I'm so confused. When we yell at each other, it doesn't accomplish much except then we know how each other feels. Then, for a couple of days after our yelling, everything seems ok because we realize how much we care. Or so I thought. Because then today rolls around and nothing. No call. No text. And I'm probably just being dumb and making something out of nothing. At least I hope so. But then again, what if something is going on? I don't like it. It messes with me and makes my emotions go all haywire. I just want to be able to rely on him one hundred percent. I don't want to doubt him and his feelings. I want him to show me and tell me how he feels. I want to hang out with him and just him. And then I want to hang out with him and his friends and my friends. I want him to be able to make me happy, not sad or irritated. I want to be able to trust him. I want him to stop confusing me.

Resolutions, hearts, and lives.

I'm glad it's a new year. It's exciting knowing that you can kind of start over and use the new year as an excuse. And if you feel the need, you can make a resolution. But the thing about resolutions is that you rarely keep them. Maybe you keep it for a few days or even months. But it's rare to keep a resolution for a whole year. That's why I don't even make one. I know that whatever it is, something will get in it's way and I'll falter. Plus, I can never think of a good enough resolution. The whole diet thing is bogus. Same with no drinking and no smoking. So then what? Just live your life and if you find the need to change something, change it. Don't worry about a resolution.

I was finally able to talk about him without crying. I told the whole thing to my girl and she agreed that when you love someone so much, it never goes away. And it's so true. He's the one I think back on when I'm in a bad place and upset. Even my ex who I dated for over ten months [[longest relationship. apparently I'm no monogamist]] is never on my mind. And I truly loved him for a while. But it wasn't enough with him. I have no left-over feelings for him. But this other guy has my heart, probably forever. That doesn't mean that someone else can't also have it. I've come to realize that you have be in love with more than one person. You can give your whole heart to more than one person. But you can only give your life to one. And that person who has your heart AND your life is the one who will have you, not the person who just has your heart.

Happy New Year

It's interesting how you find things out about people. How you realize that the one who cares is the one you don't want to care and the one who doesn't care is the one you want to care. It gets all turned around and upside down and everything is different and not how it should be. And you say two little words, "I'm done," and everything falls to shit. Finding out how people are and if they care is sometimes the hardest thing and then suddenly, it just happens. Suddenly, you realize who you can count on to always answer their phone and to always be there, no matter how much shit you put them through. Suddenly, you realize that maybe the last few weeks didn't really mean anything to that other person and if it did, it doesn't now. Why? Because neither of us try hard enough. Neither of us want to put forth the effort it takes to make it work. We expect it to just happen. But it's not that easy. It can't be that easy. If things were easy, they wouldn't be worth it. When you have to fight for something, fight to make it work, then it's worth it. Then it's worthwhile. It's worth your time. And maybe your life.