Actions speak louder than words.

Is it worth it for him to try? Why would he ask me that? That is something he needs to figure out for himself. I can't make him try. I can't give him any reason other than if he tried, maybe we could make it work.

But he showed me today that he is not going to try. Actions really do speak louder than words. I won't try to fool myself and say, hey, I'll give him another chance. No way. He ran out of chances a long time ago. I just didn't realize it until just now. There's nothing I can do to make this better. This is one hundred percent his fault. I don't like laying blame but there is no where else to lay it this time.

I can't light a cigarette.

I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I knew what I wanted. I thought I knew what I was going to say. I thought I knew it all. And then all of a sudden, my brain is a mess and my heart is beating too fast again. My breaths come in gasps and I'm too shaky to light a cigarette. My words don't come out right and my eyes can't focus. I should have seen this coming. I should have known this would happen. I can't do it. I can't begin to start. I don't know what to say anymore and I can't bring myself to hurt him. It's always the same. No matter how much I hurt, no matter what he made me feel, I can't do it back. I can't break him down or tell him how I really feel. All I can do is ride along and see what happens. But that won't get me anywhere. I'll be stuck in the middle with no way out. I need to breath. I need to think. I need to stop caring about how he feels and start caring about how I feel. Because the only way to make things better is to get it all out and make a change.

Make a ripple.

I'm not taking no for an answer anymore. I'm not taking anything that isn't mine or that I don't deserve. I won't let anyone break me down or put me where they think I belong. I know where I belong and it's so much higher than they can reach. They can barely see me as I fly over them, living my life the way I want to. And they stare up and wonder how I got there. I'll tell them my secret but it won't work for them. They'll have to find their own way up into the clouds. They won't be able to see the sun the way I do. They won't be able to count the stars like I can. They won't be able to breath the air that I do. They won't be able to reach me after I get started.

I'll hide my feelings and my secrets. Look in my eyes but you won't catch a glimps of my soul. Try to understand how I think but you'll just get confused. I'm not really that complicated but you don't understand how I live. I live for me. I live for my family and my friends. I live to love. I live to laugh. I'll die with a smile on my face because I'll know, with my last breath, that I lived as much as I possibly could with as little as I had. I have a lot, but I have so little. I'm not pushed in a corner and I don't think twice as I walk forward towards something better. I may get sidetracked but I always find my way back. I always know that I'm okay. I always know that I'll find my own way, but I will accept help when it's offered.

I don't push people aside until they push me away. I don't accept anything less than someone's best. If you're not your best, then why aren't you trying to get there? Why stop and get permanently sidetracked? There's no point in being lost. There's no hope when you've lost your faith. Always believe in something, even if it's just yourself. And make sure you always believe in yourself. When you stop believing in yourself, you've lost all hope, and therefore, lost all faith. Be strong and push forward. Push against the tide instead of floating with it. You'll never be somebody if you just float. Push against the tide and make a change. Even if it's just a little tiny ripple, that's still something, something better than a lot of people.

Unfinished recent work

6-17-08
I won't lay judgment or place blame
I won't breath your scent near me
I won't ask questions or tell lies
I won't believe a single word you say
I won't finish what I've so eagerly started
I won't try to keep you against your will

You're just so much more
So much less than I

I can't sit straight or stay still
I can't see how this could ever work
I can't explain what I don't understand
I can't keep returning back to you
I can't cool off from my race of time
I can't touch my own skin anymore

You're just so much more
So much less than I


6-18-08
Rules are meant to be broken
And we break them with such enthusiasm
With such eloquence and grace
As you're standing right in front of me
Burning into my skin
That you constantly touch
No sense of remorse tonight

And this is how we live our lives
Without second thoughts or chances
Because we will never
Get this back

Unfinished . . .


6-24-08
We washed our hands of this disaster
Because we could never understand
How coming clean would start it over
We'll never become who we wanted to be
We'll never dream in the same never land

It's been broken by every breath
By every single malicious look
It was over before it even started
If only we could have seen it sooner

Unfinished . . .


6-24-08
Do you know who you are
And what you stand for?
Do you know where you're going
Or even how to get there?

Are you brave enough
To take another step forward?
Are you careful enough
To know where to put your feet?

I know who I am
And what I stand for
I know where I'm going
And how to get there

I'm brave enough
To take that extra step
I'm careful enough
To know where my feel belong

A change.

When someone says they don't care, do you believe them? When they show you through their actions that they don't care, do you believe them? How do you convince yourself that they really do care and that it was just a fluke moment? How can you believe that they really care and that they won't say they don't again?

When you start to realize how unhappy someone makes you feel, you also realize how happy they could have made you. You see all the things they could have done to make it right and all the things they did that made it wrong. You notice the little things that make you fall in love and also the little things that made you fall out of love.

I'm not completely out of love for him. But I've seen the side of him that makes me afraid. I'm afraid that he could break me. Not physically, but emotionally. He could snap my heart, my soul, right in half. It would be messy and horrible and devastating. I don't want to always fear that. I don't want to dread the day when it happens. So do I just give up? I can't force him into the person I want him to be. I can nudge. I can hint. But I can't mold him or shape him. He has to want to do it on his own. And I'm afraid that he won't. Not can't. I know that he can do anything. I know that everyone can do anything. I'm just afraid that he loves the life he is leading so much that he won't leave it. He might try. He might even succeed. But how can I live always on the edge, waiting for the bridge to break and the waters to drown me?

Then again, how can I live in fear? I should just do it and take it for what it's worth. Live in the moment and believe the best. Trust that things will work out for the better. Trust in him.

But I can't convince myself that it will be okay. When I imagine my life, I see my friends, my family, and someone who loves me for who I am and who would never hurt me. Someone who will compliment me and support me one hundred percent. Someone who will treat me like no one has ever been treated. Someone who can't get enough of me. Someone who kisses my tears away and hugs my fears away.

Cliffs.

I don't know why we stop ourselves from doing what we want. Why don't people act on a whim anymore? Instead, everyone thinks too much. Thinks about what they say before they say it. Do things after thinking them through carefully. Which leads to holding everything that is real, in. Which can't be good for the soul. Or the heart. Or the mind.

I've recently decided that instead of doing what I think is right or good or acceptable, I'm doing whatever I want. If I want to go jump off a cliff, you better not try to stop me. Of course, that is just an example. I'm not really going to go jump off a cliff. No worries. The point is that whatever it is that I feel like doing at the time, I'm going to. No matter what anyone says. No matter who it will affect. I'm done being careful. I'm done worrying.

I mean, I'm a big girl. I'm a grown-up, technically. I am able to make my own choices. Decided what would be best for me. Right? And what could be best for me might not be best for someone else. And that's fine. I'm looking out for me. Isn't that how we are supposed to do it?

And don't worry, there really aren't any cliffs nearby. That I know of . . .

Written on June 17, 2008.

Asking questions is too difficult. I'll never question this again. Time is too short for second thoughts and misgivings. I want to break the rules. After all, they are made to be broken, right?

What if everyone went with their gut feeling? Instead of just trying to do what is right. Politically correct. What society deems as being the right choice. Let's break out of the norm. Let's become less like sheep and more like human beings who are able to act on free will. We are capable of anything yet we hold ourselves back. For what? Not to be prosecuted. To be accepted, liked, loved. Apparently being loved is to give up what you want to do.

We can't possibly live like this. In denial. In despair. In hopelessness. Holding back our actions. Holding back our every breath. Pretending that we can just go on with our lives. Pretending that we can control everything. Be brave. Give yourself up.

Dumpster diving.

Dumpster diving ::: the practice of sifting through commercial or residential trash to find items that have been discarded by their owners, but which may be useful to the "dumpster diver."

How would it be to go "dumpster diving"? How poor do you have to be? I can see a homeless person going through trash to find things. But what about a lady with a car? What about someone who drives up and for over three hours, fills their car twice with things they find in the dumpster?

Yesterday, I got home and noticed that a lady was going through the huge dumpster across the street.

The little old lady that lives across the street has been emptying her house for the last few days. She must have been a pack rat because she has filled a dumpster that is twice the size as a regular dumpster, twice. And the dumpster is sitting in her front yard so that the trash guys can get it on trash day.

So yesterday, this lady was going through this dumpster. She has a four-door car, not that old, and she wasn't dressed in rags or anything. She filled her car so much that her trunk couldn't close. Then, after taking everything to her house [or wherever], she returned and actually brought a little boy with her to help her. I'm guessing it was her son. And she then proceeded to fill her car again, just as full as the first time.

I can't even imagine having to go through someone else's trash to get new things. First of all, that's gross. Dumpsters and their contents are so gross and dirty. Second of all, how much pride can you have to go do that? I'm not a very prideful person, but I definitely have more pride than to go do that, no matter how poor I am. And this lady could not have been that poor if she had a car!