I can't light a cigarette.

I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I knew what I wanted. I thought I knew what I was going to say. I thought I knew it all. And then all of a sudden, my brain is a mess and my heart is beating too fast again. My breaths come in gasps and I'm too shaky to light a cigarette. My words don't come out right and my eyes can't focus. I should have seen this coming. I should have known this would happen. I can't do it. I can't begin to start. I don't know what to say anymore and I can't bring myself to hurt him. It's always the same. No matter how much I hurt, no matter what he made me feel, I can't do it back. I can't break him down or tell him how I really feel. All I can do is ride along and see what happens. But that won't get me anywhere. I'll be stuck in the middle with no way out. I need to breath. I need to think. I need to stop caring about how he feels and start caring about how I feel. Because the only way to make things better is to get it all out and make a change.