Everything has been figured out . . . except how to live.

There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her. She told her boyfriend, "If I could only see the world, I will marry you."
One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her. When the bandages came off, she was able to see everything, including her boyfriend. He asked her, "Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?'
The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind. The sight of his closed eyelids shocked her. She hadn't expected that. She refused to marry him because she couldn't stand the thought of looking at them the rest of her life.
Her boyfriend left and days later wrote a note to her saying: 'Take good care of your eyes, my dear, for before they were yours, they were mine.'

Today before you say an unkind word - Think of someone who can't speak.
Before you complain about the taste of your food - Think of someone who has nothing to eat.
Before you complain about your husband or wife - Think of someone who's crying out to GOD for a companion.
Today before you complain about life - Think of someone who went too early to heaven.
Before you complain about your children - Think of someone who desires children but they're barren.
Before you argue about your dirty house someone didn't clean or sweep - Think of the people who are living in the streets.
Before whining about the distance you drive - Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet.
And when you are tired and complain about your job - Think of the unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your job.
But before you think of pointing the finger or condemning another - Remember that not one of us is without sin and we all answer to one MAKER.
And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down - Put a smile on your face and thank GOD you're alive and still around.

I'm not really a big religious person, but that last one makes me think.

X amount of words.

Tonight is my last night at my job. Yay! I'm really excited. And it's really not a bad job, at all. I made decent money, I liked most of the people . . . not bad at all. And a lot of people think that I'm quitting because of the "shit" that happened a few weeks ago. Yeah right. I don't back down. Especially when it was not my fault. Why would I quit just because all of a sudden, one person dislikes me? Yeah, I'm not that kind of person. It doesn't scare me when people don't like me. They can get over it. Because overall, my job is pretty damn good. I just found a couple that pay a hell of a lot better and are closer to where I live. Basically, a better deal.

So far, I'm doing very well with my "not partying until New Year's" vow that I made myself. Last night was one of my very good friend's Halloween party. And did I go? No. If I had, there's about a ninety percent chance that I would have gotten trashed. I don't mind not going to parties. It's the smaller ones that I love. Where there's about ten people chilling and playing beer pong or flip cup or king's cup or whatever. Those are the best times. And those are the ones that are hard for me to stay away from. One of my friends from high school is having a massive party at his house tonight. Am I going? Most likely not. Because again, a ninety percent chance of me getting trashed if I do. And I would love to actually stick with what I told myself I wasn't going to do.

The whole "I'm moving on and getting over him," hasn't worked so well. But what did I expect? I guess I actually did expect to get over him and move on. So the fact that I haven't is really weird to me. I honestly did not think that I would get hung up this bad. Why should I? He makes me feel like shit. The things he says, they really do hurt. So I should hate him back, right? So why can't I? What's wrong with me that I can't hate the person who hates me?

It's never simple.

I guess it doesn't get easier with time. And I guess it doesn't happen just because I say it will. And I guess it won't happen, no matter how much I want it to. No matter how much I need it to. And I guess I can't just simply move on whenever I want to. Because it's not simple at all. It's so complicated. And I don't understand why. It should be so easy to forget and keep going with my life. But it's not.

Nothing is simple anymore. When I was little, that's when it was simple. Recess was my favorite subject in school and my best friend was my best friend because we sat next to each other in class. It was ok to kiss more than one guy in a day because with kiss tag, you had to. But I grew up. And people changed. And I changed. And it's never going to be simple again. And if it is simple, that means something is wrong. Because life isn't supposed to be simple. If it was simple, it would be too easy and the choices we make wouldn't mean anything. But since it's hard, we suffer sometimes. And that's supposed to make us stronger. So I guess when I get through this, I'll be tougher than nails.

Why keep your life on hold?

I'm letting go. For real this time. I think I finally realized that there is absolutely no chance of him forgiving me. All the things he said to me, every word that cut me, they finally pushed through and something in me just clicked. Realizing that someone will never feel the things for you that you do for them, that's what happened. Realizing that there is no chance of him ever wanting you again, that's what happened. And it's ok.

It's ok because it's not the end of the world. It's ok because I'm not actually giving up, I'm just moving on. It's ok because there are so many other things out there. It's ok because I'm young and I'll heal. It's ok because I'm accepting it. It's ok because now I'm going to feel better. It's ok because I say it's ok.

Moving on means that I won't think about him constantly. Moving on means that I can actually feel something for someone else and not wish it was him. Moving on means that I can be happy again. And not just happy sometimes. Happy all the time because I know that I've moved on. And I guess that I don't have to be happy all the time. But not unhappy all the time either. It's just going to be better now. And I'm excited for that.

"You'll never stop loving someone. It's more a matter of learning to deal with the pain of not having them anymore."

Music is what feelings sound like.

Wow! Two posts within twelve hours. Wow.

I have all these goddamn feelings inside of me and I can't sort them out. I'm going crazy.

One minute I'm so in love with him that I physically hurt. The next, I wanna fucking yell at him until I lose my voice because he's being so stupid and ignorant. And I still can't get over him. No matter how much he hates me, I can't hate him back. I don't understand it. Not at all. Especially when I've had so many chances to get over him and move on with my life. I really need to.

Then I find myself crying and smiling at the same time. One person makes me cry, while at the same time, another person makes me smile. And the one that makes me smile, I can't have. Well, I'm sure I could. But I won't. Oh how lovely complications are. Complications are the story of my life.

Lyrics are one of my favorite things in this entire world. And right now, these are my favorite.

This is Something Corporate.

I'm under attack again my dear. I'm in the way.
Got no resolutions, no clever anecdotes to say.
And still if I yell at the top of my lungs, will it be the same?
I'd fly you a flag; I'd bury this pen into my veins.
I wanna feel through you tonight.
But I won't make you.
I won't make you.
The telephone number I got for you says nobody's home.
The best thing I can think to do right now is leave it alone.
And you had an apology in your mailbox since last July.
It's funny when you find the words to say, you find no reply.
I wanna feel through you tonight.
But I won't make you.
I won't make you.
Scream my name just one more time.
But I won't make you.
I won't make you.
And it's been hours now.
To be here like this,
And just to lay you down,
And just to taste your lips,
And just to keep me up.
God, I'm tired of sleeping.
And just to lay inside you.
And just to know this feeling.
I wanna feel through you tonight.
But I won't make you.
I won't make you.
Scream my name just one more time.
But I won't make you.
I won't make you.

I wish I could write something that was amazing. That someone could connect to. Maybe I have. If I have, that's very nice. But it seems like most of the time, I can't get my thoughts onto paper using words that make sense. So I'll just use someone else's lyrics for now.

Standing trial for your sins.

I have a lot of faults. I procrastinate. I'm stubborn. I make mistakes. Everyone does. I'm glad that one of the biggest mistakes of my life has been forgiven. I never expected it. When you mess up, and potentially mess up someone else's life, you don't expect to be forgiven, at least not any time soon. But he's such a good person. I know that if I was in his position, I would never talk to me again. He's a hell of a lot better than me. And I'm glad. Maybe someday I can be like him, able to forgive people because . . . just because. Because it's the right thing to do.

One of the other biggest mistakes of my life . . . it's still out there. I know that I'll never be the same. How cliche. How true. You know those people that change your life? Why do we tend to hurt them? For some reason, we tend to hurt the most important people in our lives. It's kind of horrible.

I'm not sure what I want to do. There's so many options. There's so many people who I can turn to. But none of them really get what I'm telling them. There's the great advice and then there's what I really should do. And then there's what I really want to do. But here's the problem : I don't know what I want to do! I want to fix what I broke. But I don't know how. If I knew how, I would, and maybe things would be better. Maybe.

And you can tell me how vile I already know that I am.

This was on my myspace. And now I'm putting it here instead. It's from October 17.

How do you fall for someone in such a short amount of time?

Everything inside of me, every instinct, told me not to get involved with him because something would go wrong. I figured that "something" would be all him. He would lead me on, tell me all the perfect words, and then drop me because in reality, he never felt anything real for me. That's how it always is, right?

Not this time. This time, it was all me. I fucked up. I let myself feel something so strong, that it didn't seem real. So I had this urge to make myself believe it wasn't real. So I fooled around. When you fool around, it will always come back and bite you in the ass. I never thought of the consequences of my actions. I never thought about the people I would hurt. Because this time, I hurt more than one person.

I hurt someone that didn't deserve it. Someone that never told me anything but the truth, the things he felt and thought. Someone that I trusted and who trusted me. Someone that I was willing to give up everything for.
[[when you consider moving to another state for one person, that's huge. when you seriously consider giving up a life you've just begun, that's massive]]

I gave up a chance. A chance for a better life. A chance to be loved. A chance for a new start. I gave up a chance to be with someone that wanted more than just a fling.

I also hurt someone that I barely knew. He should never have been involved in this little circle that I drew. And for that, I'm truly sorry.

Right now, I feel empty. This is, of course, not to be taken literally. But I feel like something is missing. Something that he gave me and I wanted to hang on to it because it made me happy. What he gave me was hope. Hope that people really care. Hope that someone wanted me for me. But he gave me more than that. He gave me things that I can't explain because there aren't words for them. And whatever they are, they're gone.

Maybe with time, I can feel whole again. That's how it always is. You just have to give it time. Because doesn't time heal all? But even with time, I don't think I'll ever be completely whole. How dramatic and cliche does that sound? It's been said before, I'm sure. But I don't care. I honestly believe that for me to feel whole again, I need him. Sure, there's others out there who will make me feel good. But there's no way they can give me the things he did. There's no way for me to be so completely caught up in someone the way I was with him.

I would have married him.

Note the sarcasim.

I'm glad that my computer is being super slow.

I'm glad that I can't go to sleep earlier than midnight anymore. Being a stupid night owl sucks sometimes.

I'm glad that I thought I was on my way to getting over him and then, when I heard his voice, I started shaking. Obviously, I'm not even close to being over him. So when will I be?

I'm glad that my roommates, who happen to be two of my best friends, can make me smile no matter what. When everything is wrong and I don't want to smile, they say something and I can't help but grin.

I'm glad that the guy who I consider to be my brother considers me his sister. It rocks. I'd do anything for him. He rocks my socks.

I'm glad that I can't count on the one person I wish I could. I want to trust her so badly because she used to be one of my best friends. But I can't anymore. It makes me sad.

I'm glad that I'm quitting my job. Finding a job that's closer to my house and that pays more is going to be awesome. Plus I'll get to meet some new people. And I need some new people.

I'm glad that I'm not crying every single night anymore.

I'm glad that people can blame me for "ruining everything," when it was actually them who ruined it. I didn't make you do what you did. I did tell the truth about it, unlike you. It's not my fault that you lied and that it came around and bit you in the ass. So stop being a bitch.

I'm glad that when I apologize, it's way too late for apologies. And of course, there's nothing I can do about it.

It is a sad thing to look at happiness only through another's eyes.

I believe that everyone deserves to be happy. Even the guy that killed his mother, who's sitting in the jail cell, rotting away because he made the wrong choice. Even he deserves to be happy.

We're all human. We all physically need the same things. And emotionally, we all need most of the same things. We also all want most of the same things. Love. A good life. And happiness. [[should I spell happiness with a "y"?]]

I believe that someone who is depressed is not happy. I don't believe, like many people do, that when someone is depressed, it's because there's something wrong with their brain. I don't care what tests you do. It's not the brain. I believe that if someone is unhappy, they will potentially become depressed.

We all have different thresholds for pain. We also deal with situations differently. Therefore, when one person cannot handle the same situation that someone else can, that does not make them stupid. It just means they are different. We all react differently to situations. What makes one person sad can make another person happy.

So this is all rambling. But it's all connected, somehow. Even though I can't explain it all, it's connected to being happy. Everyone just wants to be happy. To be able to smile and actually mean it. To be able to say, "Yes, I am truly happy," and not be lying.

No, I am not happy. People can still make me laugh and there are periods when I can feel some happyness creeping into me and making me smile a genuine smile. However, when I'm alone, I realize that I'm not a happy person right now. The key words in that sentence are "right" and "now." Because just a few short days ago, I was happy. But things happened. My life changed. I lost someone. Not physically. But still lost. I lost a few people actually. Obviously, one matters more to me. But they all matter. They all were a part of my life and they all made me smile in different ways. But not anymore.

It is my fault. I will take the blame for my mistakes. There is no one I can blame this on. It's all me. I want to fix it. But how? I will try. And try. And try. But I can only try so much. Eventually, there will be nothing else I can do. And what then? Give up? I hate giving up.

Back to being happy. I want to be so happy, when I walk into a room full of people, they can tell just by looking at me. I want to be so happy that I glow. Not actually give off light, but still glow. I want to be so happy that I don't cry every night. I want to be so happy that I don't wish that I could go back in time, or that I'm in a movie, or that this is all a dream. I want to be so happy that . . . I can honestly tell people that I'm a happy person.

I wish that happyness came in a jar and I could go buy it. Obviously it would be expensive. But I would give my life, if that's what it took. If that's what it took to be happy, would you?

We are the best at what we do.

I’ve begun to realize that there’s always going to be a few people out there who want to bring me down. They want to make me look like a horrible person so that no one will like me. I’ve realized who these people are and I’m distancing myself from them. Forever. They’ve spread rumors about me and let me down numerous times. I’m not entirely sure why I’ve kept them in my life. But no more. They are no good for me and do nothing but make me unhappy.

I’ve begun to realize that I won’t always be able to make everyone happy. I can make people smile, but I can also make people frown, and cry. More often than not, I will make people sad. I will mess up and make someone unhappy. But since I now understand this, I can deal with it. I now understand that no one, anywhere, will make everyone happy all the time. And if that person does exist, I would love to meet him/her and ask, how? I think it’s impossible to make everyone happy.

I’ve begun to realize that I will make mistakes and let people down. I’m only human! I’m nowhere near perfect, but I also don’t try to be because I know it’s impossible. And since I’m not perfect, I will mess up. I’ll do things wrong at least once. And when I do something wrong, there’s the possibility that I’ll let someone down. And when I let someone down, that’s just how it is. I’ll apologize, but that’s all I can do about it. I can’t go back in time and undo my mistake. So I’ll apologize and hope that the person I let down can forgive me.

I’ve begun to realize who my true friends are. I had this realization once in high school. Now that I’ve moved and have met new people, I’m realizing it again. My true friends are the ones who accept me as I am. They realize that I’m not perfect. They know that I’ll mess up and probably let them down. But they also realize that I learn from my mistakes and that it won’t happen again. They understand that I don’t hurt them on purpose and that I’ll do anything to fix what I do. My true friends are the ones who are there for me no matter what. They will do anything for me. They also know who they are.

I’m sick of all the drama. Working where I work, everyone knows everything about each other, which just causes problems. When you party with the people you work with, it doesn’t always work out so well. It would be totally fine if certain people (yes, namely the females) didn’t cause drama. When you make a mistake, you need to tell the truth about it. Otherwise, it will certainly come back and bite you in the ass. If you aren’t willing to tell the truth about something, then make sure it doesn’t happen in the first place. When you lie about something that happened, it will always come out. And you have no one to blame but yourself. That’s why I stopped lying a long time ago.