It is a sad thing to look at happiness only through another's eyes.

I believe that everyone deserves to be happy. Even the guy that killed his mother, who's sitting in the jail cell, rotting away because he made the wrong choice. Even he deserves to be happy.

We're all human. We all physically need the same things. And emotionally, we all need most of the same things. We also all want most of the same things. Love. A good life. And happiness. [[should I spell happiness with a "y"?]]

I believe that someone who is depressed is not happy. I don't believe, like many people do, that when someone is depressed, it's because there's something wrong with their brain. I don't care what tests you do. It's not the brain. I believe that if someone is unhappy, they will potentially become depressed.

We all have different thresholds for pain. We also deal with situations differently. Therefore, when one person cannot handle the same situation that someone else can, that does not make them stupid. It just means they are different. We all react differently to situations. What makes one person sad can make another person happy.

So this is all rambling. But it's all connected, somehow. Even though I can't explain it all, it's connected to being happy. Everyone just wants to be happy. To be able to smile and actually mean it. To be able to say, "Yes, I am truly happy," and not be lying.

No, I am not happy. People can still make me laugh and there are periods when I can feel some happyness creeping into me and making me smile a genuine smile. However, when I'm alone, I realize that I'm not a happy person right now. The key words in that sentence are "right" and "now." Because just a few short days ago, I was happy. But things happened. My life changed. I lost someone. Not physically. But still lost. I lost a few people actually. Obviously, one matters more to me. But they all matter. They all were a part of my life and they all made me smile in different ways. But not anymore.

It is my fault. I will take the blame for my mistakes. There is no one I can blame this on. It's all me. I want to fix it. But how? I will try. And try. And try. But I can only try so much. Eventually, there will be nothing else I can do. And what then? Give up? I hate giving up.

Back to being happy. I want to be so happy, when I walk into a room full of people, they can tell just by looking at me. I want to be so happy that I glow. Not actually give off light, but still glow. I want to be so happy that I don't cry every night. I want to be so happy that I don't wish that I could go back in time, or that I'm in a movie, or that this is all a dream. I want to be so happy that . . . I can honestly tell people that I'm a happy person.

I wish that happyness came in a jar and I could go buy it. Obviously it would be expensive. But I would give my life, if that's what it took. If that's what it took to be happy, would you?