If I never hear from you again . . .

Every once in a while, I think back to what used to be. I wonder what people are doing and who they are these days, how much they've changed. I wonder if they are living a good life or if they are miserable. I also wonder if they ever think about me. Most of them, it really wouldn't bother me if they never think of me. Because the only time I really think of them is when I look back on my high school days. But there are the very few people that I have either lost touch with or just totally cut out of my life for some reason or another, and these are the people that I wonder if they ever think about me. If they do, what do they think? Do they hate me, love me, or not really care? Do they wonder what and how I'm doing? Of course, I'll never know unless they contact me somehow. And if they never do, then I suppose that's alright because obviously, I'm not contacting them either. I suppose I'm content with the people that are in my life at the moment. Becuase people come and go and that's just how it is. You lose touch with friends and make sure that others do not enter your life anymore. Of course, there are the people that you make sure you stay in touch with because they are a very important piece in your life and if you lost them, it would tear you apart. Whether you talk to them every day or every other week, you still catch up and hopefully hang out once in a while. I just hope that I never forget the people that have helped me in the past. The people that have pushed me to be better and those that I knew wouldn't let me fall. And I hope that I never meet again the people the screwed me over and those that pushed me over the edge. As I've gotten older and hopefully a bit wiser, I've been able to distinguish between those who will be good for me and those who will be bad for me. I make sure to include those good people, the ones that I know are there for me and the ones who keep me up. I also make sure not to include those people that bring drama into my life. I don't need the drama and I definitely don't need them. And again, I will always wonder who thinks of me when they are thinking back on the past. Are they good thoughts or bad? Are they good memories or sad? Will I ever hear from them or will they just drop off the face of my life?

One decision

I'm sure there's a point in your life when you realize whether or not you need someone. And when you realize this, what do you do? For me, it was telling him something very important. The answer to a question he had already asked me and I couldn't give him a straight answer. Then the other day as I was driving home from his house, it popped into my head that I knew the answer and it was an amazing feeling. So I told him. And apparently, it was amazing for him too. Which makes it even better. And I plan on following through. I know that here in a few months, he'll go do his thing and I'll follow through with what I said. No matter what. No matter how hard it is and no matter how long. Because I know it will be worth it in the end. Because then he'll come back and when I see him, it will be the most wonderful sight ever. Somehow, he made his way into my heart and now I'm glad he did. For once, I'm not scared of being hurt because I don't see anything bad in a future with him.

Not much . . .

My life goes up and down. I have a few really amazing months, and then all of a sudden, something happens and it's back down I go. So lately it's been really weird. It's both at the same time. I met an amazing person, but at the same time, I'm really struggling to keep my finances in order. It's going to go up on that end really soon. Starting two new jobs is going to improve things immensely.

Other than that, there's not much else going on. For some reason, I don't have very much to write at the moment.

A good addiction

When you meet someone new, you can't expect everything to be the same as it was with someone else. Everyone is different so this new person is going to be a breath of fresh air. Hopefully. But sometimes there will be that moment, that one little thing, that you didn't expect and are not used to .

That's how it is right now. He's an amazing person. A beautiful personality. A gorgeous face. Excellent all around. And yet, like I said before, there's that one thing that I'm just not used to. So of course it upset me. At first it did not bother me. But then all of a sudden, it hit me. Without any warning. And it was a smack in the face. I couldn't understand why it hadn't bothered me earlier. And then I realized why. I figured it out and it's a little scary, not gonna lie. I'm getting attached. The last few weeks have been some of the best of the year. However, last week I could have easily walked away without a second thought. But I didn't. Now here I am and if I tried walking away, I would look over my shoulder and see him and probably have to go back. I'm getting attached. Addicted.

Is there such a thing as a good addiction? Because if you're addicted to cigarettes, there's the chance of lung cancer. If you're addicted to alcohol, you can get liver cancer. If you're addicted to a drug, there's the chance you could overdose and die. So is there such a thing as a good addiction? If you're addicted to someone, that means they make you feel good. Right? That means you can be yourself around them and you want to hang out with them, converse, etc. So hopefully this addiction is a good one.

Thunder and lightning

You would think that on the day your only daughter gets a new job, one that she will actually enjoy, you would be happy for her. Congratulate her and tell her well done. Never in my whole life would I have expected anything else. Of course, it is my mother and she is one of a kind so I should have expected the unexpected. How is a person capable of making such a good day go sour? This should have been a great day. A day where I could laugh and not have a care in the world because I got a new job and everything seems like it will work itself out. However, the moment I tell my mother the "good" news, all she can do is bring it down. She brings in the rain clouds like no one can. With thunder and lightning that will shatter the sky. I don't know how she does it. I don't know why she can't just be happy for me for once. It's kind of a difficult thing when you're mother brings you down. The moment I walked out that door with a new job and new employment papers in my hand, I felt like going out and running all my errands and then doing some productive. Now that I've talked to my mother, all I want to do is lay down and sleep. I don't want to do anything because what does it matter? She won't care.

And even as I type all this, deep down, I know she does care. I know she loves me and she's just worried about my financial situation. But at the same time, I wish she could just say, "Good job. I'm proud of you."