And you can tell me how vile I already know that I am.

This was on my myspace. And now I'm putting it here instead. It's from October 17.

How do you fall for someone in such a short amount of time?

Everything inside of me, every instinct, told me not to get involved with him because something would go wrong. I figured that "something" would be all him. He would lead me on, tell me all the perfect words, and then drop me because in reality, he never felt anything real for me. That's how it always is, right?

Not this time. This time, it was all me. I fucked up. I let myself feel something so strong, that it didn't seem real. So I had this urge to make myself believe it wasn't real. So I fooled around. When you fool around, it will always come back and bite you in the ass. I never thought of the consequences of my actions. I never thought about the people I would hurt. Because this time, I hurt more than one person.

I hurt someone that didn't deserve it. Someone that never told me anything but the truth, the things he felt and thought. Someone that I trusted and who trusted me. Someone that I was willing to give up everything for.
[[when you consider moving to another state for one person, that's huge. when you seriously consider giving up a life you've just begun, that's massive]]

I gave up a chance. A chance for a better life. A chance to be loved. A chance for a new start. I gave up a chance to be with someone that wanted more than just a fling.

I also hurt someone that I barely knew. He should never have been involved in this little circle that I drew. And for that, I'm truly sorry.

Right now, I feel empty. This is, of course, not to be taken literally. But I feel like something is missing. Something that he gave me and I wanted to hang on to it because it made me happy. What he gave me was hope. Hope that people really care. Hope that someone wanted me for me. But he gave me more than that. He gave me things that I can't explain because there aren't words for them. And whatever they are, they're gone.

Maybe with time, I can feel whole again. That's how it always is. You just have to give it time. Because doesn't time heal all? But even with time, I don't think I'll ever be completely whole. How dramatic and cliche does that sound? It's been said before, I'm sure. But I don't care. I honestly believe that for me to feel whole again, I need him. Sure, there's others out there who will make me feel good. But there's no way they can give me the things he did. There's no way for me to be so completely caught up in someone the way I was with him.

I would have married him.