A change.

When someone says they don't care, do you believe them? When they show you through their actions that they don't care, do you believe them? How do you convince yourself that they really do care and that it was just a fluke moment? How can you believe that they really care and that they won't say they don't again?

When you start to realize how unhappy someone makes you feel, you also realize how happy they could have made you. You see all the things they could have done to make it right and all the things they did that made it wrong. You notice the little things that make you fall in love and also the little things that made you fall out of love.

I'm not completely out of love for him. But I've seen the side of him that makes me afraid. I'm afraid that he could break me. Not physically, but emotionally. He could snap my heart, my soul, right in half. It would be messy and horrible and devastating. I don't want to always fear that. I don't want to dread the day when it happens. So do I just give up? I can't force him into the person I want him to be. I can nudge. I can hint. But I can't mold him or shape him. He has to want to do it on his own. And I'm afraid that he won't. Not can't. I know that he can do anything. I know that everyone can do anything. I'm just afraid that he loves the life he is leading so much that he won't leave it. He might try. He might even succeed. But how can I live always on the edge, waiting for the bridge to break and the waters to drown me?

Then again, how can I live in fear? I should just do it and take it for what it's worth. Live in the moment and believe the best. Trust that things will work out for the better. Trust in him.

But I can't convince myself that it will be okay. When I imagine my life, I see my friends, my family, and someone who loves me for who I am and who would never hurt me. Someone who will compliment me and support me one hundred percent. Someone who will treat me like no one has ever been treated. Someone who can't get enough of me. Someone who kisses my tears away and hugs my fears away.