I owe you every day I wake.

I don't like making decisions that can hurt people, including myself.
I don't like caring about him as much as I do because it makes letting him go difficult.
I don't like wanting more than I can have.
I don't like how I can't seem to trust him, no matter how perfect he is.
I don't like how he can trust me so easily.
I don't like that he is so far away, even though he'll be here in a few days.

I love talking to him on the phone every day.
I love how I can tell when he is smiling, even though I can't see him.
I love that my life is starting to make some sense.
I love that I don't constantly think about him anymore.
I love being able to count on someone no matter what is going on.
I love my job.

It's almost Christmas time =] I love Christmas. It's so much fun. All the lights and the special decorations. Sadly, we don't have a Christmas tree in our apartment. And last year at my house, we had a fake tree. But I remember when I was younger, we would go out and cut down a real tree and put it up in the house and my mother and I would decorate it and my dad would criticize it [because that's what he does] and the whole house would smell like a forest. I wish that I still believed in Santa Claus. It's such a nice fantasy, that someone cares about all the little children and brings them all presents. But of course, that fantasy can't last forever because we all have to grow up. But that doesn't mean we can't lose the Christmas spirit. It doesn't mean that we can't give to others without expecting something back.

How do you know when you've grown up? Everyone is immature sometimes. When you're young, you're immature most of the time. So how do you know when you've lost that immaturity? Is it something you feel? Or does someone have to tell you that you've changed, you're more mature? Maybe you can just tell. Maybe it's how you act around others and how you can suddenly make the right choices, even if it's hard. Maybe it's when you realize that in the end, everything will be fine. All your choices will make sense eventually and there's not much you can do about the choices that others make. You realize all these things and you're willing to admit when you're wrong and not feel silly do so. Maybe it's when you don't feel the need to impress anyone. I think it's all of those things that I've just listed and so much more. More than I can explain because I haven't reached that point where I'm fully grown up. I'm still immature. I'm still learning. I'm still growing. And I'm ok with that.